I am waiting for the time when I leave the house to go pick up Jennifer from the airport.  Her flight has been delayed a little over 2 and 1/2 hours.  Conditions at DFW International are said to be blamed.  While waiting, Justin and I watched several episodes of Deadwood Season 1.  We also opened a couple gifts.  Fun.  My sisters and I used to have the tradition of opening our gifts for each other on Christmas Eve.  I followed through on my end, opening the one that I had in hand – Robin’s gift.  It was a Macbook cover.  Very nice.  Turns out Justin got me the same one.  (Important tip: If you buy something for someone using their Amazon.com Wishlist, make sure you click “BOUGHT.”  This will prevent duplicates!)  But no worry.  As it happens, Justin also has a Macbook so he was able to use the redundant one.  I opened another gift from Justin- a gift card to V.S.!  Yay!  I foresee nice, new undies in my future.

It snowed in Texas today.  First White Christmas in many, many, many years.  Quite fun and neat in general.  I hope the roads are safe to drive on.  It is extremely cold out (at least in Texas terms) yet the roads are just warm enough to make everything melt.  I can only hope they aren’t refreezing.  Outside, I hear cars pass now and again.  It’s strange to hear the crunch of snow and ice underneath the vehicles.

It’s been a good year.  It hasn’t always been easy.  Indeed, I had several breakdowns throughout… but the high points were just as high, if not higher, on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Matilda is fabulous.  Here are some recent pictures:

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In other news, things are going well.  The above mentioned play closed this past Sunday.  The run went well.  Audiences loved it.  I loved it.  The critics uniforming loved the performances and hated Sarah Ruhl’s play.  Oh well.

While I was busy working on that show, Justin was busy at home with Matilda.  He got her into a nighttime routine.  Good man.  Now, for over 2 months, she’s gotten used to a stroll at 6:30, dinner at 7:15, bathtime/clean-up time around 7:25, quiet play time/book time around 7:35 and “walk her to sleep while singing Rock-a-bye-baby” from 7:45 to 8.  By god, it works.  Tonight I completed the routine for the first time on my own.

Note to self:  if I ever have another baby, I will not nurse him/her to sleep.  It’s going to be a nightmare weaning Matilda because she falls asleep on the boob 90% of the time.  Sometimes she’s desperate for sleep but only a boob will calm her down.  I feel like a schmuck as a result.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s sweet, nursing.  I love the closeness, our bond, the sweet coos…  And god knows allowing her to nurse-to-sleep provided TONS of extra sleep over the last 9 months.  All of us slept better because of it.  When the time comes to try to wean, though, the lack of sleep will catch up.

A first tonight:  I was pumping milk while the goo slept and found that I was pumping a an almost clear/ lightly cloudy milk.   I immediately jumped on the interwebs to find (or be reminded) of information about foremilk.  From what I gathered, there’s nothing wrong with it.  It’s just like skim milk.  The best milk for babies is the hindmilk which is dense, rich and fatty.  One post that I read suggested that women who live in a warm climate (such as myself)  may tend to produce a decent amount of foremilk so as to hydrate baby more thoroughly.  Interesting idea.

Matilda is amazing, btw.  Truly the apple of Justin’s and my eye…eyes… eye…  Hmm. I wonder how that works grammatically.

It’s starting to take its toll on me.  I feel alone way too often.  I feel like an after-thought.  I know that it’s suddenly the most important thing for him- to perform in this next show – but a week ago he was screaming “i quit theatre” in my office at work.

Perhaps I am not supportive enough.  My sweet girl in my arms 23-7 for 20 of 26 weeks is rough though.  And I think he’s being uber selfish….

I guess some might say, “Dana, you should be more supportive! Do whatever you have to to help him succeed!”  But don’t I?  Off the top of my head I keep the house clean; I clean the litter boxes; I do the laundry; I pay the family bills and keep track of the household finances; I maintain a supply of the things the baby and the pets need; I keep the cars serviced; I keep up with the baby’s doctors visits and developmental needs; I keep a restaurant staffed, stocked and running; I do my office work; I produce and sometimes host thisweekinthearts.com; I try to do special little things for Justin; I try to meet his needs even when they do a 180;… all this while juggling a baby.

A I bitter?  No…just…disappointed and feeling neglected.  But I hate to cry neglect because he’s made himself so busy that when I yell out for help, it’s usually met with tired frustration.  In turn, I ask less.

It’s been an amazing year…. but I’m ready for some companionship.  Or at least some regular, genuine tenderness.  And I’m not talking about the purchase of stuff… I’m talking about emotional tenderness; making the other person feel loved and taken care of.  Little things mean a lot.

So that’s my rant.  My one-handed typed rant.  Why one handed?  I’m holding the baby of course!

…Interesting…

I can’t wait to see who gets cast!  Right now I am looking at a list that signals about 5 different kinds of productions to me..

How I feel on most days.

The truth is, Justin and I have been living in an “every man for himself” type scenario.  We are passing ships in the night, literally.  It’s a destructive pattern that creates stress and tension.  We both feel it.  Matilda must as well.  I can only hope it rolls off of her.  I am painfully aware that everything, absolutely everything, is being absorbed into that little girl…   Each time I get upset, I know that’s a bundle of negativity being sucked into her without any way to retrieve it.  Some day when she is 20 and screaming at her mate or boss or whatever, she may step back and think, “why do I get so angry over such little things??”  If I am still alive and well, I’m sure I’ll blame it on myself and these early years.

I don’t want stress to be the final frontier.  It’s so easy to let that happen though. I think it’s why people say family/marriage takes work.  Everyone in a successful situation says that.  WORK.  HARD WORK.

Today I pledge once again to take that deep breath and view said stressful situation from a far away perspective… outer space, maybe.  I’ll examine it from afar and hopefully recognize that in the grand scheme of things, very little is as important as it might seem in the moment.