Tolls
It seems that Justin has accepted a role in another play. I don’t know why I am surprised. I’m really disappointed though. I feel like Matilda will basically have had to live her second 6 months with only a single parent around at one time. From February 15 to August 15 with little break, there will only be one of us with her at one time. No real family time. No real break. 26 weeks.
It’s starting to take its toll on me. I feel alone way too often. I feel like an after-thought. I know that it’s suddenly the most important thing for him- to perform in this next show – but a week ago he was screaming “i quit theatre” in my office at work.
Perhaps I am not supportive enough. My sweet girl in my arms 23-7 for 20 of 26 weeks is rough though. And I think he’s being uber selfish….
I guess some might say, “Dana, you should be more supportive! Do whatever you have to to help him succeed!” But don’t I? Off the top of my head I keep the house clean; I clean the litter boxes; I do the laundry; I pay the family bills and keep track of the household finances; I maintain a supply of the things the baby and the pets need; I keep the cars serviced; I keep up with the baby’s doctors visits and developmental needs; I keep a restaurant staffed, stocked and running; I do my office work; I produce and sometimes host thisweekinthearts.com; I try to do special little things for Justin; I try to meet his needs even when they do a 180;… all this while juggling a baby.
A I bitter? No…just…disappointed and feeling neglected. But I hate to cry neglect because he’s made himself so busy that when I yell out for help, it’s usually met with tired frustration. In turn, I ask less.
It’s been an amazing year…. but I’m ready for some companionship. Or at least some regular, genuine tenderness. And I’m not talking about the purchase of stuff… I’m talking about emotional tenderness; making the other person feel loved and taken care of. Little things mean a lot.
So that’s my rant. My one-handed typed rant. Why one handed? I’m holding the baby of course!
Filed under Life in General | Comment (0)Watching a play being cast…
I am about to do my first play in a year. I’ve been precast as Jean in “Dead Man’s Cell Phone” by Sarah Ruhl. Fabulous role amongst 5 other fabulous roles. Being in most every scene, I sat in on all of the auditions. I’ve just seen the initial callback list. 
…Interesting…
I can’t wait to see who gets cast! Right now I am looking at a list that signals about 5 different kinds of productions to me..
Filed under Life in General | Comment (0)Stress, stress… The final frontier?
Life seems to have jumped to a new level of stress. I think much of it is equated with a new period in my life: 30-somethingdom. Each day is a non-stop study in “how-to-get-through-to-the-end-of-the-day-without-half-assing-too-many-things.” Each day is about making sure Matilda is happy and cared for, making sure my job isn’t too roundly neglected, trying to keep the house clean and maintained, taking care of the dogs and kitties as best I can and…, after all that, making sure that Justin is set up with clean clothing and whatever else I can provide as he treks off for another 18 hour day. He ends up on the bottom a lot of the time because he’s the only one on the list that can take care of himself.
How I feel on most days.
The truth is, Justin and I have been living in an “every man for himself” type scenario. We are passing ships in the night, literally. It’s a destructive pattern that creates stress and tension. We both feel it. Matilda must as well. I can only hope it rolls off of her. I am painfully aware that everything, absolutely everything, is being absorbed into that little girl… Each time I get upset, I know that’s a bundle of negativity being sucked into her without any way to retrieve it. Some day when she is 20 and screaming at her mate or boss or whatever, she may step back and think, “why do I get so angry over such little things??” If I am still alive and well, I’m sure I’ll blame it on myself and these early years.
I don’t want stress to be the final frontier. It’s so easy to let that happen though. I think it’s why people say family/marriage takes work. Everyone in a successful situation says that. WORK. HARD WORK.
Today I pledge once again to take that deep breath and view said stressful situation from a far away perspective… outer space, maybe. I’ll examine it from afar and hopefully recognize that in the grand scheme of things, very little is as important as it might seem in the moment.
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